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• Homeless Stories Homeless Stories

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    There are many people that think that the homeless are shiftless, without direction and do not want to work. But the opposite is the reality.

     Yes, just as you find in mainstream life many people with different motivations some wanting something do something with their lives and others not wanting to do anything among homeless people there is a small percentage that don't want any form of responsibility. But who amongst us especially during those times of great pressure and duress don't yearn for a simpler and less complicated life.

     But the norm is that there are many, many homeless individuals and families striving to get back into the mainstream. I see them every day in my job at Primavera Works, the work program under the Primavera Foundation in Tucson Az. (Primavera Foundation is a full service provider to the homeless and poverty stricken) They come into our office eager and bright eyed in anticipation of the possibility of working. Often when the work assignments run out while people are still inline you can feel the disappointment and disgruntlement in the air.

     When we decided to make the video slide show and its companion video we wanted to show the parallels in desire and want between homeless people and the mainstream. We want you to see the humanness and commonality they share among all people.

     None of the people in the videos were selected they were all asked at random as people passed our camera if they wanted to participate in a venture to humanize them in the public's eyes.

     Each and every one of them had at some point in their lives had been living in the mainstream they could have been one of your neighbors. But because of situations that got out of control possibly because of poor decision making processes or external influences over which their was no control they fell from grace in society and became homeless.

     Listen to their stories carefully they are not much different from the plight of many others you have listened to who have not yet fallen. Yes, there is mention of alcohol and drug influences but many of us are alcoholics or are addicted to pain killers or other forms of legal medications. But you and I have access through our insurance and other sources to deal with our addictions the homeless have minimal if any resource at all. Yet when a homeless drunk is seen on the streets they are looked down upon as if they were some sort of pariah or low life. I am sure that if they had a home they would get drunk there just as we do. But then they would not be homeless, would they.

     Take note of one particular person's story those of you in high levels of employment he tells you of having worked in aero-space and do to changing conditions and the political climate he lost his job and went on a downward spiral.  How many of us in this uncertain economical atmosphere can feel the tendrils of possible unemployment grasping at us. At a time when high level bank officers are loosing their jobs we stand on a shaky foundation of uncertainty and financial ruin.

     Now we have the homeless populations being mushroomed by uncounted numbers of combat veterans male and female alike, a great many others having been caught up in the sub prime mortgage crises, individuals and families not making a livable wage and our government saving the financial empires of the power brokers and letting the little people that make up the bulk of this country suffer and shift for themselves. It is time that we rethink our position on the have-nots of our country because we live in perilous times and if we do not take care of those that live on the fringe of society who will take care of us when we get there.

     Oh, you think it won't happen to you? How many houses in your neighborhood are abandoned or up for sale? Where did their occupants go? Some are living I am sure less than they were others may be sleeping on their cousin's couch and some I assure you some of them are homeless.

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  • 2 years ago
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• The Poor are the First to Suff The Poor are the First to Suffer

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    The price of a 55 gallon of oil has gone up to above $90.00 which equates to over $3.00 a gallon. Yes it hurts us all but the poor is the first to feel the pinch the most. Many of them are already having to make choices between paying the rent, buying food or medical care. Now they have the added burden of putting more money into gas just to get less. Which means that many of them will not be able to get to work, medical appointments, get to the grocery store or take care of other business that is necessary to their survival all because it takes 15 or 20 dollars to put 5 gallons of gas in their car. How many of the poor's vehicle get 20 MPG  if they can't afford a tune up or essential repairs their vehicle  is probably getting much less mileage than what it should be.  How many of us are checking on or assisting an infirmed or ailing relative that does not live with us. If the poor are doing the same and cannot put gas in their car that means that their relative is now in jeopardy and may end up in a nursing home, Homeless or worse dead.

    Those high in our government do not have a clue about the reality of economic disparity in our country they have committees of people whose job it is to feed them information on the state of their constituents. They never get a true picture because politics and personal prejudice or agendas color the reality.

    Take Katrina for example every one was told to evacuate and the assumption was that every one could do so. You just gather your family put them in the SUV and get the hell out. But no consideration was given to the poor who if they did have transportation it was probably unreliable, needed repair or there wasn't enough money put gas in it. What was all those other people to do that didn't have any transportation or didn't know anyone that did. There was no consideration for the poor because the people in power the ones that make the major decisions do not have a clue about the reality of the condition of the poor in our country.

    If they did know the reality of how the poor has to exist would they have allowed a bill to be vetoed to provide heating oil for the poor or extend health care for children of poor people.

    Our Politician and government leaders are living in a world occupied only by themselves and their peers. Their reality is not ours.

    Our poor will perpetually be in distress unless we the American public stop electing these people that promise one thing and then do another when they get elected. We have become complacent and apathetic with the type of Politian we have been accepting as our leaders. Nothing will change if we continue to allow our media to use money as a benchmark for the worth of a candidate. We need to demand accountability and truth saying from those that we elect. If we do not we who are less fortunate than most will continue to suffer from lack of care by those who make the major decision in their lives.

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  • 2 years ago
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• CD database software- The impo CD database software- The important software for CD rental business

  • From: rentalsolutions
  • Description:

    Business rental software – Rental software- Rental solutions

    Software for business - Playing preliminary role in business

    

    The software industry is quickly gaining momentum in the market created. The software is coming from running a business even individually. They are changing the style of communication. Invention of latest and different software for business play an important role in making an impact in the future with the dynamic tool of business. The software business is promoting job creation, innovation and economic development.

    Features of CD Database Software

    The development of cd database software is facilitated by the use of a checklist of standard questions to be answered before we create a system, and before analysis begins. This checklist is provided to aid in the phase of the analysis / requirements of a new project to develop the custom software.

    CD database software makes adding of a new entry much easier than to do it via the menus. The software allows you to add comments to a disc and is helpful if one is searching for the particular CD in the large database. It also has the feature of creating CD labels and booklets.

    Detail features of Property Management Software

    With the property management software one may fill vacancies on line and your unique URL domain name, where you provide details of the specific features that are available including a brief description and a photo or two, and even the required amount of rent you are asking. A tenant can then be possible to complete registration form online information you have requested to be perceived as relevant as your business. You can then submit these items off to a credit and a criminal background check, which has been incorporated to help you manage your tenants even better.

    You are just one click away to get free demo

    

    This online information system of rental management software will become more efficient and more profitable and you can operate with a centralized database, which can be reached from any Internet enabled device anywhere in the will, while you have a connection internet and the username and password. You can access the information you want so, almost immediately.

    Rental solutions - Enhance business productivity

    The rental solutions is a piece of software that assist to enhance business productivity and then to measure it. It has a wide range of application area and varies with the varying size and shape of the business. Businesses can be categorized as small, medium and large. Using small size business uses the software consisting of software packages for accounting and Microsoft Office programs. The average size of the business has a wider range of application. It extends from the packages, groupware, and management of customer relations, human resources package, and the shopping cart program, which originated the loan package of service programs.

    Author

    

    Resources

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Petricmassa

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  • 1 year ago
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• Politics and the People Politics and the People

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

     

    I firmly believe that part of a government’s job is to take care and assist the poor and underprivileged in its society. The outgoing administration has failed in this respect miserably.

     In 2006 the feds cut $10 million to Community Block Development Grant (CBDG) funding to the States. One of the many situations that CBDG addresses is providing funding to the agencies that provide services to the homeless and poverty stricken. Because of the funding cuts some agencies had to go under others had had to cut back needed services and many were forced to spend time that was needed doing support to be creative in finding new funding sources.

     Bush vetoed on October 2nd 2007 the bipartisan supported Children’s Health Insurance Program Reauthorization Act which would have provided 10 million needy American children with health care. He also vetoed the revised bill on December 12^th.

     He also vetoed in 2007 spending legislation that would have provided financial assistance to help low-income families pay for expensive heating bills during the winter. He also rejected the compromise bill for the Departments of Labor, Health and Human Services, and Education which also contained funding for Low Income Home Energy Assistance (LIHEAP).

     Now that we have a new administration coming into power we as citizen’s need to be forthright and assertive in what issues that we want addressed. A government is supposed to be a servant of the people and we the people must tell them what we want. There is no way that they can have oversight on every pertinent issue that exists. We are the ones in the swamp and we need to tell them that we want the alligators removed. If we don’t they will focus on cutting down the Cyprus trees to build houses.

     We need to gather together in small and large groups and exert our power over the politicos because if we don’t tell them what we want the new administration will develop there own agendas and focus on their needs and not ours. If they do not attend to our needs then we need to remove them from power. Period

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  • 2 years ago
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• The Poor are the First to Suff The Poor are the First to Suffer

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    An unfortunate trend in cities around the country over the past 25 years has been to turn to the criminal justice system to respond to people living in public spaces.  This trend includes measures that target Homeless persons by making it illegal to perform life-sustaining activities in public.  These measures prohibit activities such as sleeping/camping, eating, sitting, and begging in public spaces, usually including criminal penalties for violation of these laws. 

     This criminalization process involves making it illegal to sit, sleep in public places. The police sweep areas where the Homeless camp and drive them out all the while destroying their personal property, important documents and medication. This bulldozing of camps can and do put Homeless people in a crises situation causing them great harm oh yes I know it beatifies the inner city and creates a false impression that everything is ok but what does it do to our humanity. When you go to confession do you also say that you condoned the bulldozing of a Homeless camp and totally destroyed the lives of countless people?

     Another thing that is happening is laws are targeting peoples and agencies that feed the in public places. They are limiting the numbers of people that can be fed and placing other restriction on them.

      There are some cities in this country that are down right evil in there methods of dealing with the homeless but there are others that are setting a standard for decent treatment. Take San Diego, Ca for example they have created the nation's first Homeless Court Program which is a special Superior Court held at local shelters to resolve outstanding misdemeanor criminal cases. This makes a great deal of sense. How in the world do you give a ticket to a person that doesn't have any money?  When it goes to a warrant status and he is arrested this then goes against him when he applies for public housing or other services.

     I have seen here in Tucson Az the police rousting and moving along the Homeless in the parks whose only crime was that they wanted to get some sleep in the warmth of the sun after spending a night in the rain, cold or other in climate weather.

     Treating the homeless as such does not depreciate their numbers and it does not make them less visible because all the time we spend criminalizing them and treating them as less than human their numbers are increasing every year. What will we do then when there is no place to move them along to because the are every where?

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  • 2 years ago
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• Corruption in Public Housing Corruption in Public Housing

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    Corruption in public housing

    Public housing in our country is a disaster. Corruption abounds with bribes, prejudice and other inequities. Many of these housing authorities have their own investigative units that turn a blind eye to the injustices that go on right under their noses.

    We all know that the cost of housing has gone well beyond what many poor people can afford to pay. How many of you are struggling to pay the rent or the mortgage while still having to factor in health care or even food.

    Look at New Orleans tearing down perfectly suitable public housing while many, many people that were left homeless because the preventable floods from Katrina, many of them men, women and children. After Katrina the number of the Homeless doubled.

    Watch an eyewitness report on what the New Orleans Housing Authority did to keep the poor people from coming back to the city.

    Ok, some of that might seem like conjecture and personal opinion to you. How about a investigative exposés on public housing in Miami.

    Now that was only the tip of the iceburg and it was not complete. There are 11 videos in this series and if you want to watch the rest of them go here:

    Money for nothing

    If that link didn't work try this URL:

    http://www.pbs.org/wnet/expose/episode206/watch.html

    Read "Alley Cat Ways " blog on corruption in Chicago's Section 8 Program. He was a team leader of a group of 8 to 12 housing specialists. He will tell you from his own position as a insider about the corruption that he saw.

    The truth hides beneath

    The New York City Housing Authority (NYCHA) is the largest public housing authority in the United States. It owns and operates approximately 181,000 apartments in 346 developments throughout the five boroughs, providing public housing to over 600,000 low-income residents, including an estimated 150,000 doubled up persons. In addition, NYCHA administers a federal Section 8 housing program, providing rent subsidies for approximately 77,000 families living in apartments owned by 25,343 private owners. It is the largest housing authority in the US.

    Tenant.net the public watch dog of NYCHA (New York City Housing Authority) has been documenting bribery, gender based harassment and other very serious issues since the 80s.

    Their site is chock full of allegations such as $50,000,000 in missing security contracts, wide scale bribery going on in the Inspector General/Department of Investigations offices, inspector bribery rackets and corruption on the executive level of NYCHA.

    Oakland, Dallas and many, many other cities are fraught with scandal that goes to the very core of the evil that our federal, state and city governments perpetuate on our disenfranchised, poor and underemployed peoples.

    I have already said in a previous blog that housing plus supportive services is the key to getting people of the streets. But how are we to do that when our so called public servants cannot be trusted.

    I have already stated in my blog ">Truth and Deception Final Cut and I quote " In reality our government cannot do anything without our permission remember we also give our permission by keeping quiet. When are we going to wake up to the fact that we are the true power in this country. There is power in numbers. When you get enough people of the same mind focused on one point something is going to change dramatically. There has been some talk in the media about "The Power of one" which is actually bullshit it is the power of the many that brings about change.

    It is our responsibility to unite with our peers and agitate for change write our congressmen, call the media and have press conferences. Enlist more and more peoples into our effort to form our government into our own image. This can be done but unfortunately you have to stop watching COPS, CSI, playing with your Blackberries, text messaging and so forth. Use that technology that you have access to unite with your countrymen for common cause."

    It is time to wake up and unite. If you see a thing that is wrong and you do nothing about then you give it permission to occur.

     

     

  • Blog post
  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: The Addict PERSONAL: The Addict

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    Yes ya think ya know, you clinicians that work all ya lives to save people from themselves. Ya go to school ya learn all there is to know about addiction the various methods of dealing with it all that clinical stuff that social workers go through , the endless paper work the different styles of approach and the team meetings. Ya do this for years and because of all the wasted souls and also those that have recovered and are leading some normalcy of life, ya still think ya know. You parents, relatives and friends that have experienced the abnormality, aberrant and recalcitrant changes in the addict that ya know, you also think ya know. None of you, not one of you really know what drives the addict. Nor will you ever know fully.

    Listen to me carefully, you will never know un less you walk in his/her shoes, oh yes you will have a concept or a clue but that is where the knowing will stop.

    I can speak for the crack addict because I am one that is in recovery, I have experienced all that drives the addict and you for as long as you have known me, whether you are married to me or you are my brother/sister, my mother/father or the closest that any one human can be to another you will never as long as life endures in your body understand what has driven me. Does that make me an anomaly? No! Because there are many of me out there we are kindred souls, we attract each other primarily because of the common pain, anguish and degradation that we knew at the time of the height of our addiction was destroying us a little piece at a time.

    The hunger, the hunger is all consuming it fills and boils up in your body, in your mind and has to be satiated but is unsatisfiable. Ya think for a moment as the high climbs to its peak that you are about to reach that pinnacle, that nirvannic place that you have been striving for every time ya take a hit. It rises and ya know without a doubt that you are about to take off on gossamer wings to a euphoric state where no man has ever gone. But it does not happen but ya know it will just one more hit that is all that it will take, just one more that's all. You have got to do whatever ya need to do to reach that state. Steal ya momma's stereo, take yo daddy's car, bust someone in the head and take their money, time is short ya have got to be quick the time is now ya can feel it in every inch of yo body.

    Ya know when ya is stealing yo momma's stereo, yo daddy's car or busting someone in the head fo there money Ya know this is wrong. Ya know that it goes against all that ya have been taught. But ya can't help it you are driven by an unsatiable drive for nirvana, one that will not be denied. It will have you do the most damnable acts possible to strive for it.

    I remember the hunger, oh yes how well do I remember it. At times it drove me to exhaustion. Seriously I would stay awake and on the move for 2 or 3 days sometimes longer on the hunt for the next hit. I would not stop to eat, bathe or anything but what I was searching for. Then suddenly the body would say "enough" and I would drop in my tracks and go to sleep no matter where I was at.

    Yes I remember the hunger, I will remember the hunger 'til the day I die.

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: The Metallic Salaman PERSONAL: The Metallic Salamander

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    My grandma was a full blood Seminole Native American. And she lived in Richmond Virginia, USA. The last I remember of her she was 102 and man she was a spry old lady. I remember that when ever I did something wrong she would grab a Willow wand off a tree and run me around the yard, now I'm a kid like10 or 11 and she is runnin me, I'm hawlin ass and every 5 or 6 strides I'd take I could feel that wand caressing my butt with intensity.

     Thing I really hated was when she said "boy, go get me a chicken", I knew what was up then we was goin to have chicken fo dinner. I'd catch the chicken and give it to her and somewhere out of the bowels of her voluminous dress she'd whip a knife and off would go that chicken's head, now here goes the part I didn't like. "Boy go get the chicken". That chicken would be headless and runnin  like all get out, slinging blood every which where. It be ziggin and zaggin and I'd be chasin the thing and finally I'd catch it after it done run out of life. I got blood splatters all over me.

     She didn't have electricity and fetched her water from a well. I remember she had this big cast iron wood burnin stove and boy she could burn on that thing. She baked, fried boiled and did anything in or on that stove ya can do on a modern one. It had an oven connected to the flue and she could adjust the temperature in the oven by adjustin the flue damper.

     In the community she was a sort of Medicine woman. People would come to her for their ailments, she would go out into the woods and gather herbs and stuff and hook 'em up with a cure. But she went much further than just herbs she also had some ritual stuff she would do in different circumstances when an illness or condition required more than herbs. She was well known fo her abilities, people would show up with their problems and pay her with a pig, a side of beef or even some hebs that she requested that she didn't have access to. At night those that didn't want to be seen in public seeking her services would come, people of influence and position like the Mayor, Police Chief or city Councilmen even leaders of industry. They would bring her money and favors. Ya see she also made her own corn liquor which was known to be the best in the County. So some of her visitors were not there for just a cure.

     So one evening she says to me "how old are ya boy"? I said" I'm 13, mom". She says that about that time. I didn't know at the time what she was speakin of. But she told me that after dinner and not as you usually do before bed I want you to take a very through bath in the Zink tub. This was the usual way for me to bathe. She also informed me that she was going to wash it out with some special herbs before I do and after I have drawn the water for it she will also mix some other herbs in my bath water. I knew something momentous was gong to occur but I did not know what.

     After I took my bath in the Zink in my bedroom I emerged into the living room and a fire was goin in the fireplace and there was a chair placed about ten feet from it and facing it. In addition she had candles burning all over the house, I didn't know she had any candles because she used oil lamps to light the house. These candles were giving all sorts of scents, none of them were unpleasant but they had a slowing down effect upon me. This slowing effect is hard to describe, it was like I was under water and moving very slowly. I addition she had taken chicken blood and drawn some sort of arcane sigils on one of the walls. She physically sat me down in the chair in front of the fireplace and started throwing herbs into the fire and instructed me to focus my attention on the fire only and to pay no attention to anything else. I did so and watched the fire dance with various colors that a fire does not normally exhibit. Shades of greens, blues from the very lightest in color to the darkest ones. All sorts of colors were represented.

     Then suddenly I spied an unnatural movement in the fire as if there was some sort of living thing in it. I knew this could not be possible because what ever it was it would be burned up and consumed. But yes there is some thing in the fire and it is moving as if unknowing of the flames licking about it.

     Granma's voice intruded and asked me if I see something, I replied in the affirmative. She instructed me to move closer to the fire so that I can make out what it is. She also said that it is imperative that I know exactly what I see. I moved close low and behold there was a salamander about eight inches long in the fire. Its flesh ran with a montage of bright metallic colors, it was iridescent with bright flowing, undulating and ever changing color.

     She asked me for a description of what I am seeing. After my description she quickly and with movement that belies her age moved around to the front of me and slapped me real hard, she slapped me so hard that she knocked me off the chair.

     Immediately she bent to one knee and grasped me in her arms and pulled me to her bosom and held me close while I sobbed.

     After all was done she informed me that what I saw in the fire was my totem. The salamander will be my personal guardian. Whenever there is to be a great change in my life I will see the salamander and when this occurs I need to prepare for a momentous occurrence that is yet to come.

     I have seen the metallic salamander running with colors three times in my life and three times I have experienced great upheaval, twice the upheavals were very positive but once it was very negative. I have experienced that the time span between the sightings can run between a week and three months.

     On September 19^th, 2007 I saw the metallic salamander again.

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: RIP PERSONAL: RIP

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    I am posting this blog for a close friend and co-worker Diana Robledo. She is Operations Supervisor, Relief and Referral , Primavera Foundation, Tucson Arizona. She and I both work there and in her program which allows any Homeless person to receive services that comes off the streets whether they receive services from any other Primavera program or not. The people that come to her program can receive, case managment, food boxes, use the bathrooms, use a phone, have their mail sent there, receive lotions, toothbrushes, blankets, bedrolls, get vouchers for their clothing store and many other services.
    
    Diana sees and experiences the anguish, heart break and tragedy that is Homelessness on a daily basis. I worry about her sometimes 'cause she is in the trenches and always up to her ass in alligators. I love this woman because her didication is without peer. I have to go some to reach her level.
    
    At any rate on the front piece of Homeless Advocate she has a poem that was written by her for her deceased father that was Homeless and beaten to death while he was so. Please read the the following piece by her and weep.
    
    
    RIP...I lost another one........
    Current mood: sad
    Category: Life
    
    
    Rest in Peace Gordon (hit by a car), Tim (fell and broke c4, quadrapalegic), Walter (heart attack and stroke), James (overdose), Gayle (overdose), John (suicide) Randall (sickness), Jane Doe (suicide), Russell (fell off a train) and the most recent Juan (complications due to alcoholism). Only one of these had a next of kin.
    
    
    
    Within the last few weeks the names mentioned above and then some have all passed away. Juan being the most recent, two nights ago. He had no next of kin and last Wednesday as I visited him in the hospital, I sat on his bed side trying to get him to eat or drink something. Juan, only 50 years old looked close to 70. He sat there and stared at me with tears in his eyes as if he knew his final days were fast approaching. He repeatedly thanked me for visiting him. I asked him for family contacts and we tried two phone numbers of his brothers' in Texas but one was the wrong number and the other had been disconnected.
    
    
    
    As I was getting ready to leave I asked the nurse his prognosis and because of HIPA laws she could not tell me. We asked Juan for permission and he signed a release form. Luckily he was of sound mind when he did so.
    
    
    
    Before I left I said a silent blessing on him and left the nurse my business card and cell phone number. On Sunday, November 18, the nurse from the hospital called and said he had slipped into a coma. I went the next morning and walked in to see Juan hooked up to about five machines and looking nothing how he looked 4 days before. I stayed for a little while, went to work, retuned after work and stayed by his side holding his hand and talking to him. I am not sure that he heard anything of what I said to him but I told him not to be afaid and his time here in this world was done and to stop the fight, there was no need for struggling anymore. His kidneys, liver, lungs were shutting down and his brain wouldn't stop seizing. I left the hospital after a few hours with the anticipation of returning the next morning to be with him but I recieved a phone call that same night that Juan had passed....May he rest in peace.
    
    
    
    Another lost with no one to claim him.......I did and I have to say it was an incredible journey!

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: A Hard Roe to Hoe PERSONAL: A Hard Roe to Hoe

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    You would think after 11 years of being clean and having reestablished ones self back in main stream society every thing would be cool. Well I am here to tell ya everything is not cool.

     I know people struggle everyday to pay the rent, to have enough money to put gas in the car to do what ever they have to in order to survive.

     Ya see me at work I'm always smiling lookin at stuff with a positive  eye, getting things done. But you would never know I am in a constant state of turmoil.

     When I quite the street life and quite smoking crack I vowed to myself that I would attempt to be the very best person I could possible be. What that meant to me was to maintain a constant  state of honesty, straight forwardness (no mo playin games with peoples heads) and a willingness to comply with and become one with the natural order of things.

     These attributes are by far the hardest conditions I have ever tried to maintain in my life. I am always having to check my intentions, motivations, reasons and wherefores. I 'm not trying to be perfect I am just trying to reach what I originally thought would be some attainable goals. Yes, I believe I have obtained some measure of success I am no longer a predator, I no longer perceive woman as objects for my personal satisfaction or financial gain. I see people now as individuals that I can interact without trying to figure out how I get them to give me what they have or how I can take it away from them. I believe there in is some level a modicum of progress. But the striving to where I want to get to requires a horrendous amount of energy and effort on my part.

     I know what the problem is but I don't know if I can do anything about it. Ya see that which I was still resides within me. I can feel its influence on every decision that is to be made on the subject of right or wrong. Sometimes I think that it has a mind of its own because it becomes quite canny in its influences and attempted effects on my decision making processes. So there it is I am battling against my self and believe me it is a up hill battle every foot of the way.

     Look here I work in social services and the agency that I work for provides services to the homeless. There are a considerable number of people that are homeless and that I deal with that see me as the success that they would like to be. So when conversing with them I need to, I have to give them at all times words that lift them up. I cannot allow the darkside of me interject any negativity at all when speaking with them.

     I got this process, when I get home I sit in a quiet place which is generally my car and I go over every conversation that I had in the process of my day and I pick it apart. Could I have said this better, should I have done more listening and less talking, did I make good eye contact, did I really try to understand what she said to me. I do this each and every day because I want to have a positive effect on peoples lives.

     Sometime I think I would be better off being just a regular joe blow with all of his games, lies and pretensions. No I'm not gonna stop tryin to be a better person than I was yesterday. But goddamn it's a hard row to hoe.

  • Blog post
  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: A Dead Man Walkin' PERSONAL: A Dead Man Walkin'

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    I'm in San Diego, I'm walkin around in town I come to this corner there is a group of obviously homeless individuals with there one liter water bottles tied to their backpacks, their mangy dogs and one or two of 'em eating out of cans. I casually walk in their direction, tryin not to be too obvious. I barely notice one old man sitting on a stoop slightly away from the group. My intention is to start a conversation and find out what services are offered to them in town and compare those services to the ones offered in Tucson Az. While acting like I am waiting fo the light to change I nod to one and he says "what's up". This is my chance an icebreaker has occurred. I am about to say something trite about surf and sand to start a conversation when something momentous occurs.

     The old man on the stoop says "hey pimp", I look over at him and he moves his head to beckon me over. There is a vague hint of familiarity in his voice but it triggers nothing in my memory. I start to walk over to him and suddenly I am down wind from him and the stench form his body odor is overwhelming. Well I have smelled decaying bodies before so I can get past this. He is wearin on his shirt and pants a piece of every bit of food and drink he has probably consumed in the past ten years. His clothes are stiff from the lack of cleaning for who knows how long. His face and exposed skin is matted with dirt and scum from what seems millennia. But his eyes, those eyes (something familiar about them) are clear and bright, they are green (a piece of memory surfaces just barely out of reach) as if he is peeking out of a prison made of bone, skin, muck and yuk. "What's up pimp' he says again. I said "do I know you"?  He drones on oblivious to my question, "I can see ya ain't a pimp no mo wearin them $2 jeans and PF Flyers.

     Suddenly the lilt in his voice, the intonation, pronunciation and the emphasis on the first letter of the word "pimp" as that letter explodes out of his mouth dragging the rest of the word with it triggers other pieces of memory that float up to the original one, they combine illogically, rearrange themselves several times and finely settle them selves in cohesive order and they float into reach and realization stupefies me.

     He was a motherfuker, that pimp was. Every time I turned around he was snatching one of my girls and had them locked up in his stable. What was his game mine was the very best crack that ya could get anywhere in the world. Once I hooked a bitch with my shit and had her totally strung out she was mine forever 'cause she couldn't get shit like I had anywhere. But he always managed to steal the cream of my crop whenever he chose. What did he have going that I didn't. They called him Sweetmeat, The Woman's Treat. His shit was tight, he had a cadre of highly dangerous and capable men and women around him that would die fo him at the slightest command. He was like the Hashhishin that would have his followers demonstrate their loyalty by committing suicide in front of the masses.

     "You ain't no pimp, no mo" he said. Yeah ya right, I'm not. You ain't either obviously. He said No, I am an old decrepit, straight razor toting, spiteful shadow of myself now. I told him ya always did have a good grasp on whom ya were and where ya was at. Ya wanna know how I was able to beat ya at yo own game? Do ya wanna know, I'll tell ya religion. You had crack the very best crack that there was a highly persuasive drug once hooked. But I had invented my own religion one that I was the center of. Once you were indoctrinated and vowed yo fealty to me at that point no drug or other inducement could sway ya 'cause I had ya tightly in my grasp.

     Suddenly in the middle of his talking to me he broke off and his mind when some place else, he started mumbling as if orating to a group of people, gesturing in the air. Just as suddenly after a minute of that he would pounce back into reality. He would start talking again as if there had not been an interruption taking up his conversation right after the last word he spoke.

     I learned from him that after a time he realized that he was getting older and slower and his mind was getting more befuddled. He made the decision to quit the streets and marry one of his girls. Fortunately he had bankrolled a lot a money none of it in banks (he didn't believe in banks). There was some under the floor boards of his house, some in the attic, in a 10 can buried in a park and some in a box buried in the woods somewhere. All to the tune of $200,000.

     His wife became very expensive she wanted and got furs, diamonds, expensive clothes but when he started buying her cars that is what broke him. Ya see he never had to worry about money before in his life he started out in the streets at age 13 and from then on he never was without plenty of money so he didn't have to learn about being frugal. What ever he wanted he bought or stole.

     While he was allowing his wife to drive him to the poorhouse he was getting sick. He was a heavy drinker and his liver was going out on him. He had always been a very big man until now and diabetes had caught up with him. He also admitted to me that he didn't have much feeling in his extremities. He never in his life went to doctors, a good drink was all he thought he needed and sometimes he would take these medieval concoctions of garlic cloves, red peppers, egg yolks and of coarse liquor. He was dieing and he knew it.

     Just before parting with him he said "pimp we did it, we had our time we were the cock of the roost, no one was better than us we had the money, the women, the good times we ruled the streets you and I".

     I look back in time and I ask my self "how did I make it this far" how did I ever break away from all that chaotic shit? I look back at him as I am leaving his mind has gone to that other place again and I think had it not been fo time and circumstance I would also be a dead man walkin'.

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• How Would Your Life be Impacte How Would Your Life be Impacted

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    This blog was inspired by a the first video below that was posted by my friend Blu222
    
    You see on the news that certain individuals that were Homeless died due to over exposure when the temperature was 29 degrees or that a Homeless camp was raided by the authorities and the people were dispersed and all their worldly belongings were destroyed and you think oh well . Some of you might even think or even verbalize to your friends and relatives some of you will write letters to the editor of your local newspaper that "those" people got what they deserve. There are some of you that think that Homeless people are all shiftless, lazy and that they are all some sub-human class of being.

    How many times when you were in school that when there was an individual with a learning disability that you called them names, played dirty tricks on them and barred them from your social activities because they were "different". You even carried into adult hood the same attitude toward "those" people.

    Mentally ill people are all through out our society but when you see them you snicker at them, you look at them boldly and unabashedly in a way that you would not dare look at a "normal" human being. You are abhorred by the peculiar actions of these people that seem to be living in another world.

    I want you to stop and think for a moment, remember that kid in school that had a learning disability the one you would not consider sitting next to in the auditorium? Look at these famous and well known people below and think how would your life be impacted or even diminished if they had not existed.

    
    Online Videos by Veoh.com

    Oh yes it is time to think again, how would your life be impacted had you not had all these beautiful, talented Mentally Ill people to titillate your senses with their art and expertise.

    Vincent Van Gogh

    Nikola Tesla

    Yes it is in another language but that does not take away from his greatness and you will get the idea.

    Here is one in English about Tesla

    Tesla is one of my favorite subjects that is the reason you got two videos on him. Below you will find many well known names of people. Yes these people have impacted yours and my lives in ways that are unimaginable.

    Abraham Lincoln: The 16th president, one of the greatest Americans, suffered from severe, incapacitating and occasionally suicidal depressions, documented in six biographical volumes by Carl Sandburg, and in numerous articles, including, "Dark Veil of Depression" by Judy Folkenburg, National Institute of Mental Health, published in The Consumer.
    

    Lionel Aldridge: A defensive end for Vince Lombardi's legendary Green Bay Packers of the 1960's, Aldridge played in two Super Bowls. In the 1970's, he suffered from schizophrenia and was homeless for two years. He now gives inspirational talks on his battle against paranoid schizophrenia. His story has been told in numerous newspaper articles, copies of which are available from the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill.
    

    Ludwig Beethoven: The brilliant musician experienced manic depression, documented in Beethoven by Schauffler.
    

    Leo Tolstoy: Author of War and Peace, one of the world's greatest novels, Tolstoy told of his own mental illness in My Confession. It is also discussed in Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr and Inner World of Madness by Beet Kaplan.
    

    Edgar Allen Poe: The famous author known for his eerie, inventive works, clearly experienced mental illness as documented in The Haunted Palace: The Life of Edgar Allen Poe by Frances Winwar.
    

    Winston Churchill: "Had he been a stable and equable man, he could never have inspired the nation. In 1940, when all odds were against Britain, a leader of sober judgement might well have concluded that we were finished," wrote Anthony Storr in Churchill. Storr also discussed Churchill's manic depression in his book The Dynamics of Creation.
    

    Vivien Leigh: The actress who starred in" Gone With The Wind" suffered from mental illness, as documented in Vivien Leigh by Anne Edwards.
    

    Sylvia Plath: The poet and novelist suffered mental illness as documented in A Memory of Sylvia Plath by Anne Edwards.
    

    Patty Duke: The actress told of her bipolar illness in an autobiography, Call Me Anna, which became a television movie.
    .

    Charles Dickens: One of the greatest authors in the English language suffered from depression, as documented in Key To Genius by Hersham and Lieb, and Charles Dickens, Vols. I and II by Edgar Johnson.

    Finally we have come to Homelessness and you say who has been Homeless that I could possibly recognize there names other than my cousin Joe. Look below and be amazed.

    John Drew Barrymore . . . actor; father of actress Drew Barrymore (streets/shelters).

    Jean-Michel Basquiat . . . artist-actor (streets of New York City where he began as a graffiti artist and found fame as a canvas artist with the help of Andy Warhol. The poster at right is for a 1996 movie based on his life. The cast included actors Jeffrey Wright [title role], Benicio Del Toro, David Bowie, Dennis Hopper, Gary Oldman, Christopher Walken, Willem Dafoe, Parker Posey, Courtney Love, and Tatum O'Neal.).

    Halle Berry . . . Oscar-winning and Emmy Award-winning actress (shelter in New York City) (sources: Reader's Digest, April 2007, cover story: "Halle Berry: From homeless shelter to Hollywood fame." Page: 89: RD: "Is it true that when you moved to New York to begin your acting career, you lived in a shelter?" Berry: "Very briefly. ...I wasn't working for a while. RD: "How old were you then?" Berry: "I probably was about 21. But a girl had to do what a girl had to do. You can do that when you're 21 and ambitious, and your eyes are this big and you don't want to go home." / US magazine, April 22, 2007: "Halle Berry was homeless. Berry slept at a shelter in NYC after her mom refused to send her money.") .

    Buddha (Gautama Siddhartha) . . . religious leader; source for Buddhism; Enlightened One in the Buddhism religion (outdoor camping).

    Andrew Burke . . . governor of North Dakota 1870-1873 (streets of New York City during his childhood; sent west on one of many "orphan trains," accompanied on this particular trip by future Alaska governor John Green Brady).

    Drew Carey . . . Emmy Award-nominated actor-writer-producer-comedian; best-selling American author (star of the television series The Drew Carey Show) (car) (source: Entertainment Tonight, May 23, 2002; birthdays segment, co-host Mary Hart: "Which star of The Drew Carey Show once lived out of his car? That's Drew Carey himself, who turns 44 today.")

    Jim Carrey . . . actor-writer-producer-comedian (yellow VW van in various Canadian locations with older brother John Carrey, older sister Rita Carrey, and parents Percy Carrey and Kathleen Carrey/outdoor camping in a tent with his family in the backyard of the home of his older married sister, Patricia Carrey).

    Charlie Chaplin . . . Oscar-winning actor-writer-director-producer; British-born author; knighted (streets of London during his childhood after his father died and his mother suffered a mental breakdown).

    Kelly Clarkson . . . Grammy Award-winning singer; American Idol television talent show 1st-season winner 2002 (car/shelter, with her female roommate after a major structural fire forced them out of a 71-unit apartment building in West Hollywood, California in March 2002) (source: Inside Edition television newsmagazine, September 5, 2002; story/interview with her roommate-fellow Texan, actress-singer-dancer Janet Harvick. Janet: "It was really, really rough because we had just moved here, and we had just moved in the day of the fire. We knew nobody here—I mean nobody, so the night of the fire, the next day, and night, we stayed in our car." / US Weekly magazine, September 23, 2002; print story: "'My apartment [building] burned down; my car got towed twice,' recalls Clarkson, who, with nowhere to go, lived in a homeless shelter for several days.") Photo: TV Guide.

    Jacqueline Danforth . . . daughter of television journalist Barbara Walters and theatrical producer Lee Guber; founder-executive director of Daughters, Inc. / New Horizons Wilderness Program for young women (ran away from home in 1984 at age 15 and hitchhiked approximately 800 miles across the southwest United States for a month) (source: Dateline NBC TV newsmagazine, October 18, 2002, Jackie Danforth and Barbara Walters oncamera interview conducted by host Jane Pauley. Jackie: "I ended up hitchhiking with some guy that I, you know, met on the street. And he [eventually] went through my wallet and found a phone number." Barbara: "And he called me. And then I knew where she was, thank God.").

    Ella Fitzgerald . . . Grammy Award-winning singer; U.S. Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient (streets of Harlem in New York City for a year while a teenager just before she won an amateur singing talent contest at the Apollo Theater).

    Cary Grant . . . . Oscar-winning actor (streets of Southampton, England during a summer in his youth at the time of World War I) (source: book, Cary Grant: A Biography, by Marc Eliot, 2004, page 31: "Archie then volunteered for summer work as a messenger and gofer on the military docks, often sleeping in alleys at night if he didn't make enough money to rent a cot in a flophouse.").

    Woody Guthrie . . . folk singer-songwriter; Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee; author (freight trains/outdoor camping).

    Harry Houdini . . . magician; escape artist; paranormal investigator; Hungarian-born American author (streets/outdoor camping/temporary shelters; left home at age 12 in search of work and traveled for two years on his own, making his way from Wisconsin to Missouri and settling finally in New York City).

    Don Imus . . . radio-show host; photographer; best-selling American author (between the dryers in a Laundromat in Hollywood, California).

    Burl Ives . . . Oscar-winning actor; Grammy Award-winning folk singer; American author (freight trains/outdoor camping; hitchhiked in the 1930s while in his early 20s across America, Canada, and Mexico).

    Jesus of Nazareth (Yeshua of Nazareth) . . . religious leader; source for Christianity; the Christ; God and Savior in the Christian religion (outdoor camping/temporary shelters).

    Eartha Kitt . . . Grammy Award-nominated singer; Emmy Award-nominated actress; American author (apartment building rooftops in New York City).

    David Letterman . . . Emmy Award-winning television writer-comedian; talk-show host; American author (host of the television talk-show Late Show with David Letterman) (red 1973 Chevy pickup truck).

    Debbie Reynolds . . . Oscar-nominated and Emmy Award-winning actress-singer; American author (car for awhile after her divorce in 1973 from Harry Karl, as mentioned in her autobiography).

    William Shatner . . . Emmy Award-winning actor-director; best-selling Canadian-born American author (truck bed camper for a time due to financial difficulties after the 1969 cancellation of the television series Star Trek, in which he starred)

    Martin Sheen . . . Emmy Award-winning actor-director-producer (New York City subway while a young struggling actor).

    "Colonel" Harland Sanders . . . businessman; founder-spokesperson of the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" fast-food restaurant chain (homeless at age 10 when his mother remarried and he left home due to altercations with his stepfather/car as an adult; slept in the backseat nightly because he could not afford lodging as he traveled around the United States and Canada, sometimes with his wife Claudia, trying to sign up restaurants to use his special fried chicken recipe for a franchise licensing fee).

    And the list goes on and on with the names of many, many people that have affected our lives in very positive and uplifting ways.

    Ok here it comes you knew all the time that I was going to get to a point. The point is can you think of the numbers of countless individuals that have died on the streets in just the past few years. Think about all the mentally ill people by just that facet or in combination of being Homeless also that have foundered and been lost to society because of the lack of services. Also think about the folks with learning disabilities and all the other people with various other maladies and disabilities. Can you imagine the vast numbers of people that could have contributed positively to our society. For all we know there could have been a number Albert Einsteins, Louis Pastures, Telsas and many , many more that could have possibly found a cure for cancer, MD, MS and many of the ailments that plague society. Our civilization could possible catapulted forward many times by those that are gone and did not have the opportunity to be all they could be. Can you fathom that? Can you imagine where we could be now if we have cared for the underprivileged, disenfranchised and the other lowly souls that were merely trying the scratch out a bare existence.

    But even if one person whether they were destined to be a world changer or not that is lost because of a lack of care from a society or a government is one person way to many. Any person that is lost or disappears from our existence is one that will never exist again in our world because every person that has been born or will be born is a rarity. When that person is brought into existence then the mold is broken. We can never ever recall that intellect, the make up of that solitary individual.

    I ask you this final question. In all our grandeur, the magnificents of our technology, the greatness of the peoples of the world can any of really rise any higher than the lowliest of us.

     

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• PERSONAL: Temptation and Rescu PERSONAL: Temptation and Rescue

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    Certain realizations have come to me in my time on this earth and one of those is that when you have led the type of life that I have in the past you cannot leave all of it totally behind. Sometimes what you think you left behind is moving faster than you, in the same direction and is heading to a crossing point.

     

     

    I am sitting at my desk on my job at about 3:00 pm on a Thursday and my cell rings. I answer and the voice on the other end says "Ron?". Yeah this is me who is you. Ron, this is Clean Head.

     

     

    Oops! Suddenly I am mentally catapulted back in time. I remember Clean Head he use to work for me. Whenever I needed someone lightly chastised Clean Head was not the man to send because he was far too brutal his means of chastisement was always extreme. He would often take a person within an inch of death and sometimes beyond. Many times I would send people who were less brutal and also less experienced in the arts mayhem.

     

     

    When someone really, really pissed me off and I was done with them I would send Clean Head and the person to whom his attentions were focused then no longer was a problem.

     

     

    So Clean (what we called me for short) says he made a big mistake. His wife left him and took the kid, he went of the deep end and ended up in the dope house (crack house) and he really needs to get out of the dope house, straighten up and get back to his job (he hadn't been to work for three days). The problem is that he owes the dope man $300.00 for the dope he smoked and said he had money for but really didn't. I asked him "you want me to go into a dope house and bail you out"? The answer was yes.

     

     

    Clean said that he had gone to anger management classes and got a handle on his anger. He hadn't had an outburst or a physical confrontation in three years. He met this lady at the bus stop on his way to work and married her a year later. They had a son another year after that. He said that this event is his only fuck-up and he really needs help getting out of the situation otherwise he knows only way to alleviate his position and he doesn't want to do that because it will put him back where he was when we were working the streets.

     

     

    O crap! What am I suppose to do about this shit. This man wants me to go into the dope house. I can't be no where around a dope house, I am in recovery, and I will be for the rest of my life. Being in the dope house could jeopardize me staying clean.

     

     

    Gotta make a decision. I could be selfish and say no. That way I don't have bother with the crap. But selfish is not part of my program these days. Hmmmm The situation here is that clean was an original member of my, lets call it "group". He stayed loyal to me form the beginning to the eventual disbanding of my "group". When I disbanded Clean was the only one I told if you ever need help call me and I will be there for you. Now when I told him this I did mean I would help him no matter what the situation is. But this is a different time, I am a different person so therefore the situations in which I would help him has to be where is is honest and straight forward. This is what he claims he is. Hmmmmm

     

     

    Ok, he sounds like he is telling the truth. He has reached out to me for assistance and my personal program says that if I believe that all that he says is the truth I need to help him.

     

     

    I went home strapped on my quick draw pull down holster (left over from the old days) and placed my piece in it. I put my Clipit knife on my pocket and placed another knife in its holster under my pants and above my right ankle. Finally I put on a jacket (another left over) that is padded in such a way that you can't tell that I am wearing a cannon (44 Magnum) under my left arm. By now I am not really feeling good about this situation. Just wearing this stuff is placing me in a frame of mind that is not comfortable.

     

     

    I arrive at the dope house that is surprisingly nice looking in a seemingly decent neighborhood. I must really be out of touch 'cause I remember them being in the seedy parts of town and in some run down house. This dope shit is running very upscale. They let me in the door and I see my friend (is that what he is my friend, I don't know) in a room with a bunch of people smoking the dope they bought at the house.

     

     

    Through the kitchen door comes the dope man. Oops again! I am thinking what is this a goddamn conspiracy? The dope man happens to be my former dope man, he is older, fatter and obviously by the cut of his clothes and the jewelry he wears more prosperous. He greets me as if we were home boys for years. I know the type he is now so I tell him straight up what I want. I want to trade the money for the package (my friend being the package) and get out of his house peacefully but if any bullshit goes down I am prepared to shoot my way out if I have to and where my mind set is right now I will take out anybody that I see. I look back on that statement in retrospect and I know if I didn't before that I am still capable of any other fucked up thing that I have done in the past. What is different is that now I wear the façade of respectability and acceptability. That statement knowing that I fully meant it at the time gave me the realization that I have to be aware of my motivations, intentions and reasons for doing 24/7. This is because I could at any time with the right motivation, emotion or intention become again who I once was or worse

     

     

    Dope man says I remember you in your heyday, I also remember what you were capable of. I don't want any trouble from you in any way, give me the money and you can have the package.

     

     

    Well it doesn't quite end there; you didn't think it would anyway did you.

     

     

    Dope man is slick he see some money walk through the door so you know he is gonna try to get some more of it. That's his job. So dope man says let by gones be by gones here have some good stuff and smoke it on me. Another oops, here is the trap I see it as soon as it is sprung. I anticipated something of this nature before I got there. But here is the problem not only did he spring a trap he laced it heavily with dope. What he laid on the table in front of us was not a 20 nor a 60 it was at least a 100.  That is a lot of dope to just give to somebody. The motivation is of coarse is to get me and clean sprung and no matter the amount of dope you smoke you always, always want more and more is never enough. MORE is the name of the beast.

     

     

     

    No I did not walk out of the house immediately I pondered first for about a minute and a half I pondered with the dope man standing there looking like the cat that ate the canary. I knew in my mind the he knew that he had given me an offer I could not refuse. Fortunately in reality he hadn't. Just on reflex knowing that if I don't do something positive immediately I am doomed I spun around grabbed clean by the arm and quickly left that place.

     

     

    That was a few years back but I learned a lot about the reality of my self and I am continuing to learn. You know Clean, you can't call him that anymore now 'cause now he is a priest or something of that sort ministering to the poor and the homeless.

     

     

    Doesn't it strike you peculiar that two street roughs can end up going 180 degrees and end up helping people? I work for a non-profit that works on the behalf of the homeless and he a priest, minister or something helping folks to god. What a world.

     

     

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: Race and Prejudice PERSONAL: Race and Prejudice

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    It's October 1^st and a friend asks me to take 'em to the check cashing place so she can cash her Social Security check. When we get in there are three women in line and the cashier is a young Caucasian male in his 30s. I step to the side of the line while my friend moves in behind the third lady in line and I notice that she is a Black woman in her late 70s or early 80s.

     I'm not payin much attention, just lookin through the windows at some fine lookin thang walkin down the street. Peripherally I can here hello Mrs. whatever how do ya wanna cash this, the next is just about the same hello Mrs. something and so forth. But the next lady in line he says hello Mary and she says this is the first time I've been in one of these places how does this work. What did she say, what did he call her?

     Oops that goddamn red light starts blinkin in my brain, something just happened do I really wanna do this, how often do I have to do this before I die. Just as quickly as that thought surfaced an answer floated up, as often as is necessary.

     Ok, here we go again. So I walk up to the cashier's window and say, why did you call this lady by her first name and the first two by their last? So he stammers for a few moments, regains his composure and attempts to reassert himself by sayin that maybe he knows this lady. I tell him that she already stated that this is the first time she has been in one of these places. He replies that it is none of my goddamn business and unless I have a check to cash I can get the fuk out.

     Oh oh, what did he say? No, he didn't say that, did he?  My beast is startin to rise in my chest; I can feel the early tell tale signs of anger building and the possibility of me doin some real stupid shit. I really need to maintain, be cool 'cause THAT which is about to happen is the wrong mission.

     Ignoring where I am at I plod on. Did ya call this woman by her first name 'cause she is Black? She interrupts, "its ok sir that don't mean nothing to me, I've heard that before, it's ok". I immediately chime in to the cashier, "can't you see she has been demeaned in this way before because of her color". "Every time this sort of thing occurs she looses a little bit of her since of self pride, are you happy about this? Is this what you intended or is this the way you were brought up and ya didn't think about the immeasurable harm that you have perpetuated with so few words.

     By now we have the full attention of two other cashiers and other folks that have piled in behind us. A clear line of tears starts to stream from the Black woman's eyes. I say to my self now look at what ya have done, you have broken through that barrier of pain, anguish and degradation and because it was bottled up that was probably the only reason she could tolerate the racism that has been heaped upon all these many years. Please I say to my self if ya have any ability at articulation or moving people with your words make something good come out of this. Other wise what you have done to this woman is absolutely unforgivable. You have breached a wall that she has placed up and thrown every slur, racist comment and indignation over it to protect herself.

     I prepare my self for a last attempt to bring something good out of this, I look up and I see an amazing thing, I see that the young cashier also has tears streaming from his eyes. He gets up from his seat and walks to the cashier office door, unlocks it and walks out and embraces the Black woman and she in turn gives in to the embrace. I realize my time here is done. I also notice that the people that was in line Mexicans, Indians, Caucasians and Black folk grouped around him and her and there was a murmur of voices that I failed to understand there saying because I walked out the door and waited for my friend in my car.

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• PERSONAL: The Beast Within PERSONAL: The Beast Within

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    You know, when I started working in the streets I was not especially vicious, brutal or predatory. I was your normal everyday Joe Blow heir to bouts of anger accompanied by the usual cussing, frowning and mumbling under the breath but nothing particularly violent. So one of my first lessons that I learned was that everyone I dealt with from those that were successful to those that were struggling to rise in the field of crime were particularly volatile. They were all very dangerous feral creatures of the asphalt jungle. The conditions remind me of a saying that my street mentor use to tell me.

    The beast feeds where it can

    And I was named a beast

    At every feast before I was

    Ever named a man

    He would often say it to me when he would find me being compassionate, forgiving and kind to others. "You'll never make it like that" he would tell me. You will always be a low level street urchin if you don't learn to toughen up. At some point I did acquire the understanding that though all the street people were dangerous the most successful ones were the most dangerous. I realized a correlation between success and volatility.

    I got tired of making the small change while others were making the bucks. I also got tired of folks shitting on me, giving me the left over's, treating me like what I was a low level street urchin. I started developing the qualities that I recognized that was necessary for success. It wasn't easy to burn and cauterize the good guy in me. I would slap around the one female that I had on the streets hoeing for me (in the street vernacular she would be called a two-bit hoe in that she didn't charge very much) because she didn't bring much money back. At first I would slap her pulling my slap, then I would have recriminations and seeing her crying, flinching from my movements and red from the blows I would want to take it back. But I couldn't if I was to be successful.

    Slowly and over a period of time I became more predatory but then something peculiar would start to occur. Something that I recognized when ever it happened. When ever I got into a situation where my money, status or welfare in any way was jeopardized some where in my head a sinister voice would chime in and say something like beat that bitch, shoot that motherfucker, show him who he is messing with or some such.

    Over time I gave it a name "My Beast". It was my guardian, when ever I became ladi da like every thing was cool and I consciously was not particularly aware of changing situations around me and something would occur that I was oblivious off that could jeopardize my existence My Beast would speak up and spur me into action and most of the time that action was violent.

    So I decided to get clean (you can read about that in my first two Blogs) I'm gonna straighten out my life, go mainstream and live happily ever after. Not!!

    Ya' see it wasn't that easy is any goddamn thing ever? It was a fuggin chore it was the first hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. Ever!! Not only was I a predator with all the appropriate predatory instincts (somewhere in one of those first two blogs I give you more detail on this) I was a gaddamn drug addict to boot.

    Now My Beast is also My Addict, combined it is an extremely difficult facet of my mind to ignore. Well, I did get clean and have stayed so for these 11 or 12 years. But I am going to tell the real truth my beast/addict is still with me. I am mainstream now I help provide services to the homeless through the Primavera Foundation in Tucson Arizona and my beast to this day while I am going through my normal work day will rise and suggest actions to supplement my income and sexual adventurism based upon the people and situations over which I have control. I always say no. But it tries me often and it uses pseudo logic in attempts to sway me. I have to be on it 24/7 there is no time that I can let down my guard. I have to be aware at all times of my motivations and intentions to continue in this life style that I have chosen..

     Ok, it sounds like I am some sort of paranoid schizophrenic but I believe we all have a voice that either compliments or works against us. Some of us have more than one voice and we always, always have a choice between yes and no. Even in situations in which we are in that we think we don't have a choice we always have a choice. We can even make a choice by not making a choice. I have chosen right over wrong and though my beast may push and prod me I have continued to hold to the coarse. I will not succumb to the beast within.

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: I Know Longer Live b PERSONAL: I Know Longer Live by the Sword

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    So I just walked out of Best Buy here in Tucson Az. I'm in deep thought on if I want to buy this game for my Xbox 360. I walk about eight feet from the door, I'm not blocking the door but I get momentarily stuck on stupid 'cause I know I'm leaving the store without buying the game and I am thinking I should I go back and purchase it. For a fraction of a second a commotion about fifteen feet in front of me occurs I come out of my fog just long enough to register a male and female arguing I then return to my thought process.

     How long was I standing in that spot, I don't know but suddenly I am aware that there is this white guy standing in front of me, looking at me and he had said something. I try to regroup and I said "huh". He says "don't huh me nigger I said get the fuck out of my way". Oops, I know he didn't say the word. "What did you say", he repeats it but much louder this time and spittle is jumping out of his mouth. In addition he is getting red and I also vaguely notice that there is a woman behind him and she is talking to him but I hardly notice her because survival habits from another time brings my focus strictly on him.

    Now there was a time in my life that as soon as that word was catapulted out of his mouth before it registered on any body else I would have immediately without thought dropped him hard. Then I probably would have committed some form of dismemberment on him. I tell you this 'cause I was that sort of person that would take violence beyond where it should go.

     Now here is the quandary I am no longer that person that I use to be. I have not struck another person in anger for many a year. The lifestyle that I live now do not put me in contact with people that perpetuate that sort of actions. I don't go to bars, I don't party and if I do I do it's at my own house. I don't drink to excess anymore (I do drink, might get a little lit up on New Years Eve). Hell I am 65 years old and a fool is suppose to grow up and out of that chaotic shit somewhere farther down the line.

     Despite not constantly being in that violent space any more this fucker has really pissed me off. I can feel my beast rising in me. I can feel the nervous energy creeping through me that precedes a violent episode. I have felt this many, many times in the past and I always recognized it for what it was. Normally I would have just let it happen the nervous energy would reach a crescendo, the beast would burst forth in a violent tirade and all would be well with the world because I had done my manly thing.

     But then he used that word. It use to be that the only people that used that word were black people and it was always use in jovial camaraderie. Of coarse there were certain other peoples that used it as a derogatory racial slur but it was never used in public media or even in the entertainment field. Although it has a very negative connotation it is being used today by Rappers, comedians and even in some places in the media. By these uses it has supposedly lost its sting. Well I am here to tell you it has NOT. When that word was thrown at me with spittle, vehemence and anger I immediately felt that he considered me lower than human, lower than a dog I immediately represented the collective consciousness of every black man and woman that was ever called a nigger in anger.

    I say to him "you are an arrogant son of a bitch and a foolhardy one to boot". I told him that he does not know me. I informed him that I use to take fools like him apart for much, much less. I told him he has no idea what violence I am capable off. Finally during my tirade I can hear his wife in the background apologizing for whatever she said and attempting to dissuade him from taking this situation any farther.

    He calmed enough to see reason, he apologized profusely his wife apologized. Despite the apologies I still felt terrible put upon but because I have turned my life around, because I am no longer that person that would leave him quivering and bleeding in the gutter I turned around and I walked away.

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• Meandering Thoughts on a Bad S Meandering Thoughts on a Bad Situation

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    THIS BLOG WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED TO MY OTHER SITE AT:

    myspace.com/homelessadvocate

    I was in a store in down town Tucson Arizona today getting myself a pack of cigarettes. The guy staggers by the store trips on his own feet and falls down. He is obviously Homeless . He is wearing a backpack slung over one shoulder with a bedroll tied to the bottom and a one liter water bottle tied to the bedroll with a piece of cord.

    This guy in the store had just made his purchase and was walking out of the store and on the way out he says "them goddamn fukin Homeless folks there all a bunch of drunks and drug addicts". Well I'm in no mood to get into confrontation today so I let the guy go.

    I went out side and knelt down on one knee next to the fallen fellow and I asked him is he alright. He states that he is alright but then I notice something about him. He is wearing a combination of civilian and military clothes and on his military shirt he has pinned all these metals. So I ask him where id he get these metals? He tells me he spent two tours in Iraq and he received them for his bravery and valor. I then asked him how did he get into this condition of being Homeless and drunk. He says that the alcohol is the only thing that takes the pain away and if he gets drunk he won't have the reoccurring nightmares.

    I asked him having been in the military and served during wartime why isn't the military taking care of him (I already knew the answer but I had to hear it from the horses mouth). He said that he has PTSD and at first the military health care system acted like they were going to take care of him but then his superior officers accused him of being a slacker and for the sake of the morale of his company and the rest of the military they kicked him out. He said that drinking was the only way he can keep from killing himself and that killing himself would be a sin.

    To make a much longer story short I put him in touch with a military support group that will help him.

    The point I want to make here is let us say that you are Homeless and mainstream society makes it a point that you know that they look down on you in a most disparaging way what means of surcease from the sorrow of it would you seek out to give you at least a meager break. Suppose you wanted to escape from the whole scene at least for a short period of time what avenue is available to you? Drugs and alcohol is the answer.

    Yes there are a lot of Homeless individuals that started out addicts and plummeted because of the addiction into Homelessness . But you and I contribute to the number of addicted Homeless people because of our apathy toward them. Because of the way that we treat them we drive even those that were not addicts before they became Homeless into addiction.

    There are an estimated 200,000 Homeless vets and an estimated ¾ of a million combined Homeless people in 2007. many, many of them are turning to addiction because of our and our governments lack of care.

    The ex soldier that I just told you about is not an exception to the rule. The military with it's callous and militaristic thinking processing are kicking soldiers out of the military left and right they have created an atmosphere in which no soldier that wants to make a career out of the military will admit that they are having problems. You then wonder why he hear of atrocities such as soldiers killing civilians that are not enemy combatants?

    Our system is fuked up I mean seriously fuked up. When we allow any person man or woman who has lost limbs and possibly their own sanity to protect us to end up on the streets eating out of dumpsters and sleeping in the alleys then we have really, really screwed up. Colonel Davud Hunt, US Army (Ret) states that "A nation that does not care for its veterans does not deserve them".

    It is not just the Veterans any time we allow anyone to end up on our streets groveling for a mere existence is a crime.

    I say that we have got to change the public mind about this very bad problem. We need to find out about Homelessness in out towns, where are the shelters, feeding kitchens, what are the needs. We need to help fulfill those needs. We also need to form public interest groups and lobby our congressmen, hold news conferences, make public service announcements. We need to do what ever we need to do to alleviate the situation in our cities and towns with our Homeless .

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: Back Again PERSONAL: Back Again

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    I entered the Veteran's Administration Substance Abuse Treatment Unit and was treated extremely well by all the staff and visiting veterans. I was surprised by the camaraderie of veteran's, I surely expected to be treated as some sort of pariah but this never occurred.

     The VA experience was a time of contemplation and soul searching for me. I knew I was a predator every time I saw a new person I went through that mental assessing process in which in which that person would be evaluated for their potential use for me. When I would encounter a particularly attractive female I would asses her personalities and weaknesses what approach I would take to break her down to satisfy my financial needs. Women were just a tool to be exploited and manipulated.

     When I graduated form the VA program I chose Primavera's Five Points Transitional Housing program as my net stop on my road to success. While there at five Points I met a very dear lady that ran the program that was instrumental in my success, to this day I like to call her my friend in which I hope that it is mutually so.

     While at Five Points I earnestly started on my personal evolvement process.

    I read many PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) books, CDs and courses in order to facilitate the process of reintegration back into mainstream society. I extracted from this book or that course and some info from CDs and came up with my own personal eight steps to success which I have used ever since for re-inventing myself. The one book that assisted me most in this process of adapting my personality to a level of acceptability by society was a book written in 1926 called The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier. This book had a tremendous effect on my progress. I first focused my transformation on my attitudes toward women and forced myself into meaningful, productive and sometime trite general conversations with them, I formed friendships and bonds all the while forging my self into a person that could interact with a women without attempting to figure out how I could use her. Finally when this effort started to work it spilled over into my dealings with all people.

      I next focused my eight steps to success and my efforts on my anger issues. I was quick to anger and I could easily strike out with physical violence from hardly any provocation. I bought myself a Nintendo and every day after I returned from work I would mentally place the faces of those that I perceived (often my perception was wrong) to have angered me in a violent game and shoot them, blow them up or beat them up until the negative energies disappeared. Sometimes when I felt particularly hateful toward an individual I would write on a sheet of paper as if writing to that individual all my hateful thoughts that I harbored toward him. I would then after expending all that bile into the writing process I would then burn the sheet of paper. These processes helped me considerably in my efforts to control my anger.

     All these personal efforts my eight steps to success, the tricks that I used on my mind to change my personality all helped and contributed to the person that I am now. Now don't get me wrong my beast still resides within me, it still wants to abuse, use and throttle people but I am always in control and the answer is always NO. You see I am a recovering crack addict and I have to be on guard from my motives, environmental influences and what other negatives that might trigger my beast/addict. I have to be on it 24/7 I can never let down my guard be cause at any point I could use any excuse to relapse. Yes, it is work it is a lot of work but I did this to myself and this is the price I have to pay.

     I stayed at Five Points for over a year concentrating on my foundation I remained celibate (so that I don't have to take on any one else's problems while working on my own) and progressed greatly. I don't even think that anyone there noticed what I was going through but the nature of the place means that everyone was probably combing through their own skeletons.

     At some point in my stay at Five Points that dear lady that I informed you that ran the program hired me to be the resident manager of the Alamo a resident program for men next door to Five Points. What do you know I am back again?

     Admittedly I had to skip probably some important aspects of my life but I didn't want to make a book out of this thing. Those that really know me are probably aghast at some of my omissions but you got to pick and choose.

     I don't know if anyone has read this and it probably doesn't make any difference if any one has or not. For me this writing is closure to a life that probably should not exist today but I believe I am a better person for trying and of late I believe there are some people that are better off by my presence in their life.

     If any one has read this I would appreciate if you click on "Comment" below and add your thoughts whether positive or negative all will be accepted and appreciated.

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL:I am My Brothers/Sist PERSONAL:I am My Brothers/Sisters Keeper

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    There are many people that having been on drugs and/or working the streets that having gotten tired of the chaos of the life style attempt to let it all go and attempt entering mainstream life. There are many problems that prevent a lot of them from making it and most of the problems stem from themselves.

    The longer a person lives on the dark side the harder it is for them to maintain a mainstream life style.

    Here are the basic reasons for failure:

    1) Lack of support

    2) Being use to dealing with people on a harsh, demanding and aggressive

    Level

    3) Lack of timeliness-usually does things based upon need rather than when it needs to be done.

    4) A short, abrasive and violent temper necessary to make it in the streets for the long run

    5) Lack of ability to recognize authority figures based on the new mainstream paradigm - not because of who has the best dope or he who has the money is in control.

    6) Unwillingness to let go of street "friends" and situations that perpetuate the street lifestyle

    There are many other factors that can prevent people from staying on the straight and narrow but these are the main ones.

    I personally I have taken on the role of mentor and role model for two individuals that have both used dope and other situations indicative of their personal experiences. If you doubt my qualifications look to some of my previous blogs therein lies my credentials which is derived from experience.

    One of these individuals is well on the way toward stability she has already recognized the errors of some of her street ways and is in the process of amending them. Though she could fall and relapse at any time she has the skills now to pick her self up and continue on.

    Now the other is a different story, she is freshly out of the streets her situation is very tenuous. It will be the long haul for her and she of the two will have the longest and hardest road because her street activity runs into multiple levels of illicit activity. Also considering that she has been out there for quite a long time the characteristics that she acquired to succeed out there will stand against her. But she can make it if she preservers.

    Now why do I go out of my way to help guide people along the mainstream road. I do so because at this point in my life I have had some realizations and one of them is that it is our duty as individuals who are haves to reach out and assist those who are have nots so they can became haves also. I am not a saver of the world but I try to do my bit one or two people at a time. I don't know how successful this endeavor will be but I feel the need within me to try. There is nothing like living in the light and I want all my brothers and sisters groveling around down there in the pit to see they have a choice. They have forgotten, I know because I was there and I know that I forgot. When you are down there in the pit you cannot see above your level, it does not exist.

    I will tell ya a benefit that I receive from my efforts one that I never expected and that is my interaction, troubleshooting and problem solving with these dear folks helps me to stay clean and well away from the pit. For through their eyes and minds I can see the reflection of the pit and all its inhabitants and all the vile things they have to go through to survive. I see these events freshly with astounding clarity and I know that no matter what my personal circumstances I cannot, will not go to that place of purgatory.

    So now you see why I believe I am my brothers/sisters keeper.

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  • 2 years ago
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• Truth and Deception Truth and Deception

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    
    As you all know my main concern in this and any other country is moving those that are now Homeless rapidly back into the mainstream and helping to prevent those that are about to become Homeless from entering the condition.

    The problem is that I can talk about how we need more affordable housing, more programs, more federal subsidies for the poor but it doesn't mean a hill of beans because there are core reasons that these things are not done. We need to go much deeper than the subject of Homelessness and address other issues that effect how we treat not only Homelessness but also other maladies of our society.

    Have you ever noticed that when the media shows a Homeless individual or a group of them it is because they have killed someone or trashed a specific area. They also show them laying around in the park, panhandling on the street corners and they also like to show the contrast between the way Homeless and mainstream people dress. You never ever see a homeless person portrayed as being productive, seeking a job, re-emerging back into mainstream, striving to leave the condition behind. Why is this? Have you ever wondered why Homeless people are never portrayed in a positive light in their struggles to re-emerge back into the mainstream?

    The reasons and the whys run deeper into our society than most of us can imagine. We need to leave the surface problems here and step out of the light and go down into the cellar into the caves, crevices and far away from the problems and look at the machinery that perpetuates malaise, apathy and the seeming lack of care by our government and our peoples for those of us that are in less fortunate circumstances.

    Here I am about to embark on a multi-part series that will demonstrate to you as I see it why our country being the most powerful one in the world treats its impoverished citizens as second class peoples.

    Since we started with the media let us continue from there. In a previous blog titled ">Just Because you Don't See Chains Doesn't Mean There isn't Any I talked about how the media affects our perception of violence but it goes much, much deeper than that. The media controls our minds in ways that are so insidious that it effects every aspect of most all our choices and decisions. We are influenced by the media in what cars, cigarettes, clothes we purchase and even down to the mates we choose.

    Read and view another philosophy see what you think of this one:

    Part 2

    Look at the epidemic we had in the US of women and girls attempting image themselves like the skinny models as seen on the runways. These models were setting a standard for beauty that cost our females in the form of bulemia and anorexia. These are horrific eating disorders that effect a female's body in the most adverse ways.

    See below how media has trained us to act or not to act under situations that they control. Watch how anti-male bias is portrayed in the media.

    What you just saw was just a peek at the manipulation process done by the media let us now look at the heavy weights, lets find out not only what their names are but also where from they have derived their power.

    Is the picture becoming clear? The Council on Foreign Relations is the core of the media manipulation process. They are the center around which all media that is being produced circles. We may need to look deeper into this in a future blog.

    Now if big media can gobble all the small media players they can have total control over all of us from the big cities to the small ones. They then can have maximum effect on everything that we do. They can then insinuate themselves down to the smallest most minute part of our lives. Look at how their efforts toward this is going.

    Its not just me saying these things other people are breaking out of the matrix they are un-jacking themselves from the media hype and thereby seeing things for what they really are.

    Look at the Iraq debacle the New York Times is at the top of the heap they have a national security reporter and also reporters all over the world. So when they say Sadam Husain as WMD what happens? Other media producers see the loss of readership and reader dollars so they chime in with Sadam Husain as WMDs. But if you are another newspaper and you decide to report the possibility that Sadam does not have WMDs then you risk the ire of the government for not perpetuating the government line.

    Oh, I know no one controls you are a free thinker. You do as you choose, think as you choose act as you choose. BULLSHIT That's right I said bullshit. I am going to show you a video that demonstrates to you how much you are controlled. This video will I assure you will cut across a number of things that you believe in. You will get livid with anger at the assault on some of the basic precepts of your life. You might even delete me as a friend or write me nasty emails. But you know that is the way it is. I am not here to feed you Pablum to tell you what you want to hear, I am here to tell you the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. This video is much more it is a movie and it is 2 hours long.

    In the next installment of "Truth and Deception" we will examine the government's role in the manipulation of what we think about the world and our relationship to it.

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