6 Search Results for "anger"

• PERSONAL: Race and Prejudice PERSONAL: Race and Prejudice

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    It's October 1^st and a friend asks me to take 'em to the check cashing place so she can cash her Social Security check. When we get in there are three women in line and the cashier is a young Caucasian male in his 30s. I step to the side of the line while my friend moves in behind the third lady in line and I notice that she is a Black woman in her late 70s or early 80s.

     I'm not payin much attention, just lookin through the windows at some fine lookin thang walkin down the street. Peripherally I can here hello Mrs. whatever how do ya wanna cash this, the next is just about the same hello Mrs. something and so forth. But the next lady in line he says hello Mary and she says this is the first time I've been in one of these places how does this work. What did she say, what did he call her?

     Oops that goddamn red light starts blinkin in my brain, something just happened do I really wanna do this, how often do I have to do this before I die. Just as quickly as that thought surfaced an answer floated up, as often as is necessary.

     Ok, here we go again. So I walk up to the cashier's window and say, why did you call this lady by her first name and the first two by their last? So he stammers for a few moments, regains his composure and attempts to reassert himself by sayin that maybe he knows this lady. I tell him that she already stated that this is the first time she has been in one of these places. He replies that it is none of my goddamn business and unless I have a check to cash I can get the fuk out.

     Oh oh, what did he say? No, he didn't say that, did he?  My beast is startin to rise in my chest; I can feel the early tell tale signs of anger building and the possibility of me doin some real stupid shit. I really need to maintain, be cool 'cause THAT which is about to happen is the wrong mission.

     Ignoring where I am at I plod on. Did ya call this woman by her first name 'cause she is Black? She interrupts, "its ok sir that don't mean nothing to me, I've heard that before, it's ok". I immediately chime in to the cashier, "can't you see she has been demeaned in this way before because of her color". "Every time this sort of thing occurs she looses a little bit of her since of self pride, are you happy about this? Is this what you intended or is this the way you were brought up and ya didn't think about the immeasurable harm that you have perpetuated with so few words.

     By now we have the full attention of two other cashiers and other folks that have piled in behind us. A clear line of tears starts to stream from the Black woman's eyes. I say to my self now look at what ya have done, you have broken through that barrier of pain, anguish and degradation and because it was bottled up that was probably the only reason she could tolerate the racism that has been heaped upon all these many years. Please I say to my self if ya have any ability at articulation or moving people with your words make something good come out of this. Other wise what you have done to this woman is absolutely unforgivable. You have breached a wall that she has placed up and thrown every slur, racist comment and indignation over it to protect herself.

     I prepare my self for a last attempt to bring something good out of this, I look up and I see an amazing thing, I see that the young cashier also has tears streaming from his eyes. He gets up from his seat and walks to the cashier office door, unlocks it and walks out and embraces the Black woman and she in turn gives in to the embrace. I realize my time here is done. I also notice that the people that was in line Mexicans, Indians, Caucasians and Black folk grouped around him and her and there was a murmur of voices that I failed to understand there saying because I walked out the door and waited for my friend in my car.

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• PERSONAL: I Know Longer Live b PERSONAL: I Know Longer Live by the Sword

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    So I just walked out of Best Buy here in Tucson Az. I'm in deep thought on if I want to buy this game for my Xbox 360. I walk about eight feet from the door, I'm not blocking the door but I get momentarily stuck on stupid 'cause I know I'm leaving the store without buying the game and I am thinking I should I go back and purchase it. For a fraction of a second a commotion about fifteen feet in front of me occurs I come out of my fog just long enough to register a male and female arguing I then return to my thought process.

     How long was I standing in that spot, I don't know but suddenly I am aware that there is this white guy standing in front of me, looking at me and he had said something. I try to regroup and I said "huh". He says "don't huh me nigger I said get the fuck out of my way". Oops, I know he didn't say the word. "What did you say", he repeats it but much louder this time and spittle is jumping out of his mouth. In addition he is getting red and I also vaguely notice that there is a woman behind him and she is talking to him but I hardly notice her because survival habits from another time brings my focus strictly on him.

    Now there was a time in my life that as soon as that word was catapulted out of his mouth before it registered on any body else I would have immediately without thought dropped him hard. Then I probably would have committed some form of dismemberment on him. I tell you this 'cause I was that sort of person that would take violence beyond where it should go.

     Now here is the quandary I am no longer that person that I use to be. I have not struck another person in anger for many a year. The lifestyle that I live now do not put me in contact with people that perpetuate that sort of actions. I don't go to bars, I don't party and if I do I do it's at my own house. I don't drink to excess anymore (I do drink, might get a little lit up on New Years Eve). Hell I am 65 years old and a fool is suppose to grow up and out of that chaotic shit somewhere farther down the line.

     Despite not constantly being in that violent space any more this fucker has really pissed me off. I can feel my beast rising in me. I can feel the nervous energy creeping through me that precedes a violent episode. I have felt this many, many times in the past and I always recognized it for what it was. Normally I would have just let it happen the nervous energy would reach a crescendo, the beast would burst forth in a violent tirade and all would be well with the world because I had done my manly thing.

     But then he used that word. It use to be that the only people that used that word were black people and it was always use in jovial camaraderie. Of coarse there were certain other peoples that used it as a derogatory racial slur but it was never used in public media or even in the entertainment field. Although it has a very negative connotation it is being used today by Rappers, comedians and even in some places in the media. By these uses it has supposedly lost its sting. Well I am here to tell you it has NOT. When that word was thrown at me with spittle, vehemence and anger I immediately felt that he considered me lower than human, lower than a dog I immediately represented the collective consciousness of every black man and woman that was ever called a nigger in anger.

    I say to him "you are an arrogant son of a bitch and a foolhardy one to boot". I told him that he does not know me. I informed him that I use to take fools like him apart for much, much less. I told him he has no idea what violence I am capable off. Finally during my tirade I can hear his wife in the background apologizing for whatever she said and attempting to dissuade him from taking this situation any farther.

    He calmed enough to see reason, he apologized profusely his wife apologized. Despite the apologies I still felt terrible put upon but because I have turned my life around, because I am no longer that person that would leave him quivering and bleeding in the gutter I turned around and I walked away.

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• PERSONAL: Temptation and Rescu PERSONAL: Temptation and Rescue

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    Certain realizations have come to me in my time on this earth and one of those is that when you have led the type of life that I have in the past you cannot leave all of it totally behind. Sometimes what you think you left behind is moving faster than you, in the same direction and is heading to a crossing point.

     

     

    I am sitting at my desk on my job at about 3:00 pm on a Thursday and my cell rings. I answer and the voice on the other end says "Ron?". Yeah this is me who is you. Ron, this is Clean Head.

     

     

    Oops! Suddenly I am mentally catapulted back in time. I remember Clean Head he use to work for me. Whenever I needed someone lightly chastised Clean Head was not the man to send because he was far too brutal his means of chastisement was always extreme. He would often take a person within an inch of death and sometimes beyond. Many times I would send people who were less brutal and also less experienced in the arts mayhem.

     

     

    When someone really, really pissed me off and I was done with them I would send Clean Head and the person to whom his attentions were focused then no longer was a problem.

     

     

    So Clean (what we called me for short) says he made a big mistake. His wife left him and took the kid, he went of the deep end and ended up in the dope house (crack house) and he really needs to get out of the dope house, straighten up and get back to his job (he hadn't been to work for three days). The problem is that he owes the dope man $300.00 for the dope he smoked and said he had money for but really didn't. I asked him "you want me to go into a dope house and bail you out"? The answer was yes.

     

     

    Clean said that he had gone to anger management classes and got a handle on his anger. He hadn't had an outburst or a physical confrontation in three years. He met this lady at the bus stop on his way to work and married her a year later. They had a son another year after that. He said that this event is his only fuck-up and he really needs help getting out of the situation otherwise he knows only way to alleviate his position and he doesn't want to do that because it will put him back where he was when we were working the streets.

     

     

    O crap! What am I suppose to do about this shit. This man wants me to go into the dope house. I can't be no where around a dope house, I am in recovery, and I will be for the rest of my life. Being in the dope house could jeopardize me staying clean.

     

     

    Gotta make a decision. I could be selfish and say no. That way I don't have bother with the crap. But selfish is not part of my program these days. Hmmmm The situation here is that clean was an original member of my, lets call it "group". He stayed loyal to me form the beginning to the eventual disbanding of my "group". When I disbanded Clean was the only one I told if you ever need help call me and I will be there for you. Now when I told him this I did mean I would help him no matter what the situation is. But this is a different time, I am a different person so therefore the situations in which I would help him has to be where is is honest and straight forward. This is what he claims he is. Hmmmmm

     

     

    Ok, he sounds like he is telling the truth. He has reached out to me for assistance and my personal program says that if I believe that all that he says is the truth I need to help him.

     

     

    I went home strapped on my quick draw pull down holster (left over from the old days) and placed my piece in it. I put my Clipit knife on my pocket and placed another knife in its holster under my pants and above my right ankle. Finally I put on a jacket (another left over) that is padded in such a way that you can't tell that I am wearing a cannon (44 Magnum) under my left arm. By now I am not really feeling good about this situation. Just wearing this stuff is placing me in a frame of mind that is not comfortable.

     

     

    I arrive at the dope house that is surprisingly nice looking in a seemingly decent neighborhood. I must really be out of touch 'cause I remember them being in the seedy parts of town and in some run down house. This dope shit is running very upscale. They let me in the door and I see my friend (is that what he is my friend, I don't know) in a room with a bunch of people smoking the dope they bought at the house.

     

     

    Through the kitchen door comes the dope man. Oops again! I am thinking what is this a goddamn conspiracy? The dope man happens to be my former dope man, he is older, fatter and obviously by the cut of his clothes and the jewelry he wears more prosperous. He greets me as if we were home boys for years. I know the type he is now so I tell him straight up what I want. I want to trade the money for the package (my friend being the package) and get out of his house peacefully but if any bullshit goes down I am prepared to shoot my way out if I have to and where my mind set is right now I will take out anybody that I see. I look back on that statement in retrospect and I know if I didn't before that I am still capable of any other fucked up thing that I have done in the past. What is different is that now I wear the façade of respectability and acceptability. That statement knowing that I fully meant it at the time gave me the realization that I have to be aware of my motivations, intentions and reasons for doing 24/7. This is because I could at any time with the right motivation, emotion or intention become again who I once was or worse

     

     

    Dope man says I remember you in your heyday, I also remember what you were capable of. I don't want any trouble from you in any way, give me the money and you can have the package.

     

     

    Well it doesn't quite end there; you didn't think it would anyway did you.

     

     

    Dope man is slick he see some money walk through the door so you know he is gonna try to get some more of it. That's his job. So dope man says let by gones be by gones here have some good stuff and smoke it on me. Another oops, here is the trap I see it as soon as it is sprung. I anticipated something of this nature before I got there. But here is the problem not only did he spring a trap he laced it heavily with dope. What he laid on the table in front of us was not a 20 nor a 60 it was at least a 100.  That is a lot of dope to just give to somebody. The motivation is of coarse is to get me and clean sprung and no matter the amount of dope you smoke you always, always want more and more is never enough. MORE is the name of the beast.

     

     

     

    No I did not walk out of the house immediately I pondered first for about a minute and a half I pondered with the dope man standing there looking like the cat that ate the canary. I knew in my mind the he knew that he had given me an offer I could not refuse. Fortunately in reality he hadn't. Just on reflex knowing that if I don't do something positive immediately I am doomed I spun around grabbed clean by the arm and quickly left that place.

     

     

    That was a few years back but I learned a lot about the reality of my self and I am continuing to learn. You know Clean, you can't call him that anymore now 'cause now he is a priest or something of that sort ministering to the poor and the homeless.

     

     

    Doesn't it strike you peculiar that two street roughs can end up going 180 degrees and end up helping people? I work for a non-profit that works on the behalf of the homeless and he a priest, minister or something helping folks to god. What a world.

     

     

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  • 2 years ago
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• PERSONAL: The Beast Within PERSONAL: The Beast Within

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    You know, when I started working in the streets I was not especially vicious, brutal or predatory. I was your normal everyday Joe Blow heir to bouts of anger accompanied by the usual cussing, frowning and mumbling under the breath but nothing particularly violent. So one of my first lessons that I learned was that everyone I dealt with from those that were successful to those that were struggling to rise in the field of crime were particularly volatile. They were all very dangerous feral creatures of the asphalt jungle. The conditions remind me of a saying that my street mentor use to tell me.

    The beast feeds where it can

    And I was named a beast

    At every feast before I was

    Ever named a man

    He would often say it to me when he would find me being compassionate, forgiving and kind to others. "You'll never make it like that" he would tell me. You will always be a low level street urchin if you don't learn to toughen up. At some point I did acquire the understanding that though all the street people were dangerous the most successful ones were the most dangerous. I realized a correlation between success and volatility.

    I got tired of making the small change while others were making the bucks. I also got tired of folks shitting on me, giving me the left over's, treating me like what I was a low level street urchin. I started developing the qualities that I recognized that was necessary for success. It wasn't easy to burn and cauterize the good guy in me. I would slap around the one female that I had on the streets hoeing for me (in the street vernacular she would be called a two-bit hoe in that she didn't charge very much) because she didn't bring much money back. At first I would slap her pulling my slap, then I would have recriminations and seeing her crying, flinching from my movements and red from the blows I would want to take it back. But I couldn't if I was to be successful.

    Slowly and over a period of time I became more predatory but then something peculiar would start to occur. Something that I recognized when ever it happened. When ever I got into a situation where my money, status or welfare in any way was jeopardized some where in my head a sinister voice would chime in and say something like beat that bitch, shoot that motherfucker, show him who he is messing with or some such.

    Over time I gave it a name "My Beast". It was my guardian, when ever I became ladi da like every thing was cool and I consciously was not particularly aware of changing situations around me and something would occur that I was oblivious off that could jeopardize my existence My Beast would speak up and spur me into action and most of the time that action was violent.

    So I decided to get clean (you can read about that in my first two Blogs) I'm gonna straighten out my life, go mainstream and live happily ever after. Not!!

    Ya' see it wasn't that easy is any goddamn thing ever? It was a fuggin chore it was the first hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. Ever!! Not only was I a predator with all the appropriate predatory instincts (somewhere in one of those first two blogs I give you more detail on this) I was a gaddamn drug addict to boot.

    Now My Beast is also My Addict, combined it is an extremely difficult facet of my mind to ignore. Well, I did get clean and have stayed so for these 11 or 12 years. But I am going to tell the real truth my beast/addict is still with me. I am mainstream now I help provide services to the homeless through the Primavera Foundation in Tucson Arizona and my beast to this day while I am going through my normal work day will rise and suggest actions to supplement my income and sexual adventurism based upon the people and situations over which I have control. I always say no. But it tries me often and it uses pseudo logic in attempts to sway me. I have to be on it 24/7 there is no time that I can let down my guard. I have to be aware at all times of my motivations and intentions to continue in this life style that I have chosen..

     Ok, it sounds like I am some sort of paranoid schizophrenic but I believe we all have a voice that either compliments or works against us. Some of us have more than one voice and we always, always have a choice between yes and no. Even in situations in which we are in that we think we don't have a choice we always have a choice. We can even make a choice by not making a choice. I have chosen right over wrong and though my beast may push and prod me I have continued to hold to the coarse. I will not succumb to the beast within.

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• PERSONAL: Back Again PERSONAL: Back Again

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    I entered the Veteran's Administration Substance Abuse Treatment Unit and was treated extremely well by all the staff and visiting veterans. I was surprised by the camaraderie of veteran's, I surely expected to be treated as some sort of pariah but this never occurred.

     The VA experience was a time of contemplation and soul searching for me. I knew I was a predator every time I saw a new person I went through that mental assessing process in which in which that person would be evaluated for their potential use for me. When I would encounter a particularly attractive female I would asses her personalities and weaknesses what approach I would take to break her down to satisfy my financial needs. Women were just a tool to be exploited and manipulated.

     When I graduated form the VA program I chose Primavera's Five Points Transitional Housing program as my net stop on my road to success. While there at five Points I met a very dear lady that ran the program that was instrumental in my success, to this day I like to call her my friend in which I hope that it is mutually so.

     While at Five Points I earnestly started on my personal evolvement process.

    I read many PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) books, CDs and courses in order to facilitate the process of reintegration back into mainstream society. I extracted from this book or that course and some info from CDs and came up with my own personal eight steps to success which I have used ever since for re-inventing myself. The one book that assisted me most in this process of adapting my personality to a level of acceptability by society was a book written in 1926 called The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier. This book had a tremendous effect on my progress. I first focused my transformation on my attitudes toward women and forced myself into meaningful, productive and sometime trite general conversations with them, I formed friendships and bonds all the while forging my self into a person that could interact with a women without attempting to figure out how I could use her. Finally when this effort started to work it spilled over into my dealings with all people.

      I next focused my eight steps to success and my efforts on my anger issues. I was quick to anger and I could easily strike out with physical violence from hardly any provocation. I bought myself a Nintendo and every day after I returned from work I would mentally place the faces of those that I perceived (often my perception was wrong) to have angered me in a violent game and shoot them, blow them up or beat them up until the negative energies disappeared. Sometimes when I felt particularly hateful toward an individual I would write on a sheet of paper as if writing to that individual all my hateful thoughts that I harbored toward him. I would then after expending all that bile into the writing process I would then burn the sheet of paper. These processes helped me considerably in my efforts to control my anger.

     All these personal efforts my eight steps to success, the tricks that I used on my mind to change my personality all helped and contributed to the person that I am now. Now don't get me wrong my beast still resides within me, it still wants to abuse, use and throttle people but I am always in control and the answer is always NO. You see I am a recovering crack addict and I have to be on guard from my motives, environmental influences and what other negatives that might trigger my beast/addict. I have to be on it 24/7 I can never let down my guard be cause at any point I could use any excuse to relapse. Yes, it is work it is a lot of work but I did this to myself and this is the price I have to pay.

     I stayed at Five Points for over a year concentrating on my foundation I remained celibate (so that I don't have to take on any one else's problems while working on my own) and progressed greatly. I don't even think that anyone there noticed what I was going through but the nature of the place means that everyone was probably combing through their own skeletons.

     At some point in my stay at Five Points that dear lady that I informed you that ran the program hired me to be the resident manager of the Alamo a resident program for men next door to Five Points. What do you know I am back again?

     Admittedly I had to skip probably some important aspects of my life but I didn't want to make a book out of this thing. Those that really know me are probably aghast at some of my omissions but you got to pick and choose.

     I don't know if anyone has read this and it probably doesn't make any difference if any one has or not. For me this writing is closure to a life that probably should not exist today but I believe I am a better person for trying and of late I believe there are some people that are better off by my presence in their life.

     If any one has read this I would appreciate if you click on "Comment" below and add your thoughts whether positive or negative all will be accepted and appreciated.

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• Truth and Deception Truth and Deception

  • From: Chakazuluu
  • Description:

    
    As you all know my main concern in this and any other country is moving those that are now Homeless rapidly back into the mainstream and helping to prevent those that are about to become Homeless from entering the condition.

    The problem is that I can talk about how we need more affordable housing, more programs, more federal subsidies for the poor but it doesn't mean a hill of beans because there are core reasons that these things are not done. We need to go much deeper than the subject of Homelessness and address other issues that effect how we treat not only Homelessness but also other maladies of our society.

    Have you ever noticed that when the media shows a Homeless individual or a group of them it is because they have killed someone or trashed a specific area. They also show them laying around in the park, panhandling on the street corners and they also like to show the contrast between the way Homeless and mainstream people dress. You never ever see a homeless person portrayed as being productive, seeking a job, re-emerging back into mainstream, striving to leave the condition behind. Why is this? Have you ever wondered why Homeless people are never portrayed in a positive light in their struggles to re-emerge back into the mainstream?

    The reasons and the whys run deeper into our society than most of us can imagine. We need to leave the surface problems here and step out of the light and go down into the cellar into the caves, crevices and far away from the problems and look at the machinery that perpetuates malaise, apathy and the seeming lack of care by our government and our peoples for those of us that are in less fortunate circumstances.

    Here I am about to embark on a multi-part series that will demonstrate to you as I see it why our country being the most powerful one in the world treats its impoverished citizens as second class peoples.

    Since we started with the media let us continue from there. In a previous blog titled ">Just Because you Don't See Chains Doesn't Mean There isn't Any I talked about how the media affects our perception of violence but it goes much, much deeper than that. The media controls our minds in ways that are so insidious that it effects every aspect of most all our choices and decisions. We are influenced by the media in what cars, cigarettes, clothes we purchase and even down to the mates we choose.

    Read and view another philosophy see what you think of this one:

    Part 2

    Look at the epidemic we had in the US of women and girls attempting image themselves like the skinny models as seen on the runways. These models were setting a standard for beauty that cost our females in the form of bulemia and anorexia. These are horrific eating disorders that effect a female's body in the most adverse ways.

    See below how media has trained us to act or not to act under situations that they control. Watch how anti-male bias is portrayed in the media.

    What you just saw was just a peek at the manipulation process done by the media let us now look at the heavy weights, lets find out not only what their names are but also where from they have derived their power.

    Is the picture becoming clear? The Council on Foreign Relations is the core of the media manipulation process. They are the center around which all media that is being produced circles. We may need to look deeper into this in a future blog.

    Now if big media can gobble all the small media players they can have total control over all of us from the big cities to the small ones. They then can have maximum effect on everything that we do. They can then insinuate themselves down to the smallest most minute part of our lives. Look at how their efforts toward this is going.

    Its not just me saying these things other people are breaking out of the matrix they are un-jacking themselves from the media hype and thereby seeing things for what they really are.

    Look at the Iraq debacle the New York Times is at the top of the heap they have a national security reporter and also reporters all over the world. So when they say Sadam Husain as WMD what happens? Other media producers see the loss of readership and reader dollars so they chime in with Sadam Husain as WMDs. But if you are another newspaper and you decide to report the possibility that Sadam does not have WMDs then you risk the ire of the government for not perpetuating the government line.

    Oh, I know no one controls you are a free thinker. You do as you choose, think as you choose act as you choose. BULLSHIT That's right I said bullshit. I am going to show you a video that demonstrates to you how much you are controlled. This video will I assure you will cut across a number of things that you believe in. You will get livid with anger at the assault on some of the basic precepts of your life. You might even delete me as a friend or write me nasty emails. But you know that is the way it is. I am not here to feed you Pablum to tell you what you want to hear, I am here to tell you the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. This video is much more it is a movie and it is 2 hours long.

    In the next installment of "Truth and Deception" we will examine the government's role in the manipulation of what we think about the world and our relationship to it.

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